On The Line - Sidespin 1

OFF THE FRAME • COACHING TIPS • TALKING POINTS • QUIZ • QUOTES • POSTBAG • LINKS

On The Line

THE ONLINE TENNIS MAGAZINE!

Caversham Park Tennis Club

About C.P.T.C. • Club News • Junior Section • Club Tournament • Subscription Details • Front Page

Sidespin - Volume 1

**Outside the clubhouse**
Jez:	Bill, I've got some good news and some not-so-good news.
Bill:	Give me the good news first.
Jez:	(clapping Bill on the shoulder)
	The selection committee asked me to speak to you. They've decided to give you one more chance in the 3rd team.
Bill:	Great! So what's the not-so-good news?
Jez:	The match was yesterday!

**In the clubhouse**
Mike:	I hear you lot failed again on Saturday.
Stuart:	We played OK. I think too much emphasis is put on success. What do you think, Jez?
Jez:	(looking thoughtful)
	Well, I was just wondering. If I try to fail, and succeed, which will I have done?

**Mens match**
Neil:	Another thrashing! Why are we so bad?
Stuart:	(head in hands)
	We've got no confidence, we never anticipate anything and we never have a plan. Don't you agree, Jez?
Jez:	(slinging bag over shoulder)
	Not really. I was confident they were going to beat us by half past two, and I've ordered a taxi to get us to the pub before last orders!

**Match practice**
Neil:	You can't go yet, Jez. We must improve on this performance.
Jez:	(throwing bag over shoulder)
	Chaos, panic, and disorder - mission accomplished!

**Match practice**
Neil:	Stuart's not available on Saturday. Do you mind playing with Keith?
Jez:	Is he any good at the net yet?
Neil:	Improving . . . almost passable.
Jez:	(spinning racket)
	That's no good. I want someone who's impassable!

**Club night**
Mike:	Hey Jez, I hear you lot lost to West Owsley on Saturday.
Bill:	Never lost to them when I was in the team!
Mike:	How did you manage it? They're useless! Did they pay you?
Bill:	Mmm, there have been allegations of match-fixing, you know.
Jez:	Well, that's good.

Mike:	Good? What do you mean, good?
Jez:	(spinning racket on index finger)
	Well, if it was fixed, it means we're not as crap as I thought - it was all part of somebody's plan!

**Walking onto court**
Neil:	Tell me, Jez. Why do you wear your cap back to front?
Mike:	It's cos he doesn't know if he's coming or going!
Bill:	That sort of thing wasn't allowed when I was in the team.
Jez:	Actually, it's a metaphor for the state of my game.
Neil:	What??
Jez:	(shrugging)
	I'm past my peak!

**Jez, Mike and Neil walking off court together**
Neil:	Hey you guys, I've got a riddle for you!
Mike:	Go on!
Neil:	(stopping outside the clubhouse)
	OK, I'm thinking of someone. This person's got the same father and mother as me but it's not my brother or sister. Who is it?
Mike:	Give up. Who is it?
Neil:	It's me!
Mike:	Good grief!
Jez:	That's great - I'll try it on Tracey!
Jez:	(walks into the clubhouse)
	Tracey - got a riddle for you. I'm thinking of someone - someone with the same father and mother as me but it's not my brother or sister. Who is it?
Tracey:	Dunno. Who is it?
Jez:	It's Neil!

**Tracey relaxing on the patio with her dog**
Tracey:	Gill, watch what he does when Jez wins a point.
Gill:	(as the dog stands on his hind legs and does a high-five with Tracey)
	That's fantastic! What does he do if he wins a match?
Tracey:	Oh, I don't know. We've only had the dog for four years.

**Relaxing in the clubhouse**
Mike:	How are you two getting on with the new puppy?
Tracey:	Fine! She's lovely!
Mike:	Still got a problem with fleas?
Tracey:	No. We bought a flea collar.
Jez:	Mind you, it took me an hour to get it round the neck of that flea!

**Outside the clubhouse**
Gill:	(confronting Jez as he walks through the gate)
	You're not wearing recognised tennis clothing again. At this club it's against the rules to wear a T-shirt.
Jez:	(wearing a slightly exasperated look)
	Rules, rules, rules! Why can't we just be tennis players without all these rules? Come to think of it, why can't we be citizens without all the laws we've got? And some of them are really weird. Did you know it's an offence in Miami for a man to wear a strapless ballgown!
Gill:	Huh?
Neil:	(overhearing the conversation)
	Anyway, I thought the LTA are trying to get rid of old-fashioned clothing policies.
Gill:	Well, it's still a rule here!
Neil:	I wonder what's regarded as recognised tennis clothing in American clubs.
Jez:	Well, you can't wear a strapless ballgown. Not in Miami.

**Tracey and Gill watching a mens match from the clubhouse**
Jez:	(from the court)
	Yes! Come on! Great netcord! Oh, revenge is sweet!
Gill:	Four hours is a long time to be stuck here watching this!
Jez:	(from the court)
	Oh God! Any fool could have got that! Somebody shoot me!
Gill:	Four hours! They wouldn't do it for us.
Jez:	(from the court)
	How the hell did I miss that? Hello?!!! Is this a racket I see before me??!!
Tracey:	(turning to Gill)
	Be fair. Where else would you see Shakespeare performed over four hours with tennis rackets?

**Outside the clubhouse during a mens match**
Stuart:	What are we going to do about that guy's serve, Jez?
Jez:	Well, ...
Neil:	(fencing with his racket)
	Give it the old chip 'n' charge! By the way, have any of you tried that Napster web site?
Dan:	Is that the site where you exchange music files with other guys? It's cool!
Sidney:	Yeah, but you're not really exchanging. You're sharing. It's copyright piracy!
Stuart:	That's what I think. Musicians and artists are being ripped off!
Dan:	(shaking his head)
	Nah! That's what the internet was meant to be all about. Free access to everything! Whaddya reckon, Jez?
Jez:	I don't think chip and charge will make any difference.

**Jez and Stuart strolling on to court**
Stuart:	(opening the gate)
	You and Tracey have been living together for a year now. How's it going?
Jez:	(adjusting his cap)
	We're fine now. Things got better when we got rid of the water bed.
Stuart:	What was the problem?
Jez:	We started drifting apart.

**Players relaxing during Finals Day**
Gill:	(taking a small pizza out of the microwave)
	Jez, your pizza's ready. I'll cut it for you. Four slices, or six?
Jez:	Better make it four. I'm on a diet.

**Jez wins a set point with a netcord, hurdles the net, catches his foot and falls in a heap on the court**
Jez:	Aargh!
Dan:	Are you all right?
Jez:	(prodding himself all over)
	Oh God. Aargh! It hurts when I touch my legs, It hurts when I touch my neck. It hurts when I touch my back. Aargh! It hurts when I touch anywhere! This must be serious. What does it mean?
Dan:	It means you've bruised your finger.

**Checking the nets ready for a match**
Stuart:	(adjusting the net)
	What are Henman's chances tomorrow? Don't sit on the fence like you usually do. What do you think?
Jez	I don't sit on the fence.
Stuart:	All right. What are his chances then?
Jez:	Fifty-fifty!

**Watching the rain from the clubhouse**
Jez:	Depressing, isn't it?
Brian:	Oh, I don't know. It's only rained twice this week.
Jez:	Yeh. Once for three days, and the second time for four!

Brian:	Jez, I need fund-raising ideas. Have you ever done any abseiling?
Jez:	Yeh, count me in - I abseiled across the channel once.

**Tracey walks into the clubhouse**
Jez:		(brushing crumbs off his shirt)
		There was one chocolate muesli bar left and I knew how happy you'd be if I saved it for you . . .
Tracey:		You know I love chocolate muesli bars! You saved it for me?
Jez:		(wearing an earnest expression)
		. . . but I figured there was something that would make you even more happy! You see, you're partnering me against Mike and Gill now and I know a win will make you very happy . . .
Tracey:		You ate it?
Jez:		(wearing an even more earnest expression)
		. . . and I know I'd serve better if I boosted my energy levels . . .
Tracey:		You ate it, didn't you?
Jez:		. . . so I ate it. Just to make you happy. You are happy, aren't you?

**Jez and Stuart on a changeover during a mens match**
Jez:		I wish there wasn't any scoring in tennis.
Stuart:		What do you mean? Why?
Jez:		(shrugging)
		Well, I know I'm bad. Why do we have to have scoring to emphasise it? And another thing . . .
Stuart:		What?
Jez:		The dimensions of a tennis court are very deceptive.
Stuart:		How do you mean?
Jez:		(sloping off towards the baseline)
		Usually when you change ends, you walk about 70 feet. When you've just had your serve broken, it's more like three miles!

**A few players relaxing in the clubhouse**
Jez:		Coffee, Mandy?
Mandy:		(shaking her head)
		Better not. Scientists have decided it's bad for you to drink coffee when you're pregnant.
Jez:		(stirring his coffee)
		Yeh, but playing tennis is also bad for you. Scientists have concluded that half of all children who play tennis score below average on standardized tests. It's also a scientific fact that over 99% of tennis players drink water in some form or other and more than 95 percent of violent crimes are committed within hours of drinking water. Furthermore, . . . Ow! What's that for?
Mandy:		(as Jez mops coffee from his shirt)
		It's a scientific fact that people who take the mick out of me suffer an accident within seconds!

**Jez and Stuart walking off court together**
Jez:		Do you know why I like playing with you?
Stuart:		No. Why?
Jez:		(shrugging)
		So, you don't know either!

**Mike and Jez in conversation walking onto court**
Mike:		I've heard you claim that your dog can speak his own name.
Jez:		It's true!
Mike:		(in disbelief)
		That's outrageous! How can you claim such things? What is the dog's name, anyway?
Jez:		We call him Woof!

**Jez is in the clubhouse getting ready for a match**
Brian:		(rearranging the notice board)
		I've noticed you always put the black sock on your left foot and the white sock on your right foot. Why?
Jez:		(putting on his shoes)
		Actually, I only do it that way round on match days. It's a kind of superstition really.
Brian:		Well, what do you think would happen if you put them on the other way round?
Jez:		Er . . . we'd lose, I guess.
Brian:		What?! When was the last time you won?
		. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Dan:		(On court, ten minutes later)
		Where the hell is Jez? We should have started ages ago! I'll go and see if he's in the clubhouse!
Stuart:		(finding Jez in the clubhouse, looking bewildered)
		Jez, what are you doing? We should have started ten minutes ago and you haven't even got your socks on!

**During a ladies match**
Mike:		(watching from the clubhouse)
		Did you hear? The ladies from North Hendred have complained about the cows in the field at the back.
Dan:		(shrugging)
		Yeh. I don't know what they expect us to do about it.
Mike:		Jez is really winding them up. He's told them they've got mad cows disease!
Dan:		Where is Jez?
Jez:		(from behind a tree in the field)
		Moooooooooooo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Mooohaaaaaargh! Moooohahahehehoho! Moo. Moo. Moooo!

**Jez and Stuart are losing heavily to Mike and Bill as dusk approaches**
Jez:		Shall we finish there? It's getting dark.
Mike:		We've got plenty of time to finish the set!
Jez:		I didn't see that shot!
Stuart:		(aside to Jez)
		Come on, Jez! We'll turn this set around. We don't need to make excuses.
Mike:		(laughing, as Jez's serve lands on the next court)
		What was that?
Jez:		See, I told you!
Mike:		Don't tell me you can't even see to serve?
Jez:		Um . . . I was bitten by a bat?

**Mixed doubles on a Sunday afternoon. The players in conversation during a changeover**
Gill:		Cheer up, Jez! Why the long face?
Jez:		Tracey and I never beat you and we're losing! Again!
Mike:		(drinking from his flask)
		It's only a game! We're enjoying good healthy exercise in the fresh air. We're privileged to be able to do this!
Gill:		Doesn't matter about the result. It's fun and it's sociable!
Jez:		Well, if you both really believe that . . .
Both:		We do!
Jez:		. . . and the result is immaterial? . . .
Both:		It is!
Jez:		. . . then for God's sake, LET US WIN!

**Dan is pinning notices on the notice board**
Dan:		Hey, Jez! Can I put you on the singles ladder?
Jez:		Nah! I don't like heights.
Dan:		You can stay on the bottom!
Jez:		Thanks. Anyway, I'm superstitious about ladders.
Dan:		Well, you can't go under this sort of ladder!
Jez:		I go under every time I play!

**Mike and Jez in the clubhouse**
Mike:		So. Are you and Tracey thinking of getting married?
Jez:		Nah! All divorces start that way!

**A few members are deep in conversation about hereditary conditions**
Jez:		(keen to get involved in the conversation)
		I must declare an interest in this and say that I know very little about hereditary conditions.
Gill:		(looking irritated)
		What?
Jez:		Although . . . death is hereditary in my family!

**Jez, Tracey and Gill are relaxing in the clubhouse**
Tracey:		(stirring her coffee)
		It's your anniversary, isn't it? Do you remember when Mike proposed to you?
Gill:		Oh yes! I was so overwhelmed, I was speechless for an hour!
Jez:		Yep. I'll bet it was the happiest hour of his life!

**Dan walks into the clubhouse**
Dan:		I found a pound on the court. Anyone dropped it?
Jez:		(getting up)
		It's mine! A pound coin fell out of my pocket and I forgot to pick it up.
Dan:		But it's two fifty pence pieces!
Jez:		Um. I heard it break when it hit the ground!

**Wednesday evening. Club session.**
Jez:		What happened to Stuart on Sunday, Neil?
Neil:		He slipped and his legs went in separate directions.
Mike:		Yeh, one of them turned up in Stonechurch!
Neil:		(on his mobile phone)
		Is that you, Stu? How's your leg?
Jez:		Is he Ok? Let me speak to him.
Neil:		(handing the phone to Jez)
		He says it was better on Monday. By Tuesday, it had disappeared.
Jez:		(taking the phone)
		What, they amputated? Oh my God! The poor guy! What shall I say?

**Tuesday evening. A game of mixed doubles.**
Tracey:		(showered with pieces of apple)
		What the . . . ?!
Jez:		(preparing for a second serve)
		Sorry, Trace. I had some of those cheese dippers during the changeover and there was a serving suggestion . . .
Tracey:		. . . and it said "Serve with an apple . . ."?
		(she suddenly dives off court)
Jez:		". . . or a tomato"

**The members are spring-cleaning the clubhouse**
Jez:		(emptying the cupboards)
		Why have we got an old Bible in here?
Mike:		You know what Bill's line calls are like. We make him swear on it!
Gill:		(Jez opens the Bible and a pressed leaf falls out)
		What have you got there, Jez?
Jez:		Crikey! I think it's Adam's suit!

**Players chatting in the clubhouse**
Bill:		I hear Jez has bought a stringing machine.
Mike:		(reading Jez's poster on the notice board)
		Yes. He's offering three types of service - cheap, quick and good. It says here you can combine any two.
Bill:		Sounds OK. So, you can have quick and good . . .
Mike:		. . . won't be cheap!
Bill:		Cheap and good . . .?
Mike:		. . . won't be quick!
Bill:		. . . or cheap and quick.
Mike:		Won't be good!

Off The Frame • Coaching Tips • Quiz • Talking Points • Quotes • Postbag • Links

About C.P.T.C. • Club News • Junior Section • Club Tournament • Subscription Details • Front Page

Next