An evening club session
|
| Jez: | |
(walking over to Tracey who is hitting against the practice wall) |
| |
Are Dan and Linda having problems? |
| Tracey: | |
(picking up a ball) |
| |
Don't think so. I remember Linda told me she once found a note with the name "Rhonnda" on it
in Dan's pocket. But it was all a misunderstanding. |
| Jez: | |
(looking thoughtful) |
| |
Strange. She just took a phone call for him in the clubhouse. Then she hit him with her
racket and stormed out of the club. Are you sure it was just a misunderstanding? |
| Tracey: | |
Yes. Apparently it was the name of a horse he was betting on. |
| Linda: | |
(overheard yelling at Dan from the car park) |
| |
Yes, and I'll hit you again if you come anywhere near me! . . . Oh, and by the way, your
horse just called! |
Dan and Jez walking off court together
|
| Jez: | |
Haven't seen Linda for a while. How is she? |
| Dan: | |
Fine. She's had to work quite long hours recently. |
| Jez: | |
You know, I still remember how you two met. |
| Dan: | |
You should do - you set it up. It was a blind date. |
| Jez: | |
(chuckling) |
| |
And you were worried she might look horrible and that you'd be stuck with her
all evening! |
| Dan: | |
And you said not to worry cos you had a plan. |
| Jez: | |
(still chuckling) |
| |
Oh yes. You were to fake an asthma attack if you thought she looked horrible. But she
didn't look horrible, of course, and everything was ok. |
| Dan: | |
(looking troubled) |
| |
Yes. I remember how she looked . . . and I remember her having an asthma attack . . . |
Jez, Tracey, Dan and Linda walk back to the clubhouse after a game of mixed doubles
|
| Linda: | |
If I die, would you re-marry? |
| Dan: | |
Well, companionship is important. Yeh, I think I would. |
| Linda: | |
Would she live in our house? |
| Dan: | |
Well, I need to live here, on account of my job, so yes. |
| Linda: | |
Would she be your mixed doubles partner, like me? |
| Dan: | |
Well, all the other ladies play in established pairs, so yes. |
| Linda: | |
Would she play right court, like me? |
| Dan: | |
Oh no. She's left-handed. |
Members watching the Mens 3rd Team in action
|
| Gill: | |
Why is Jez bouncing the ball so much before he serves? |
| Mike: | |
I think he's been affected by his new job. |
| Gill: | |
Why? What is it? |
| Mike: | |
He's got a job in IT. And I think he needs a reboot! |
| Dan: | |
Actually he lost that job. |
| Mike: | |
Did he? Why? |
| Dan: | |
(putting the kettle on) |
| |
He wrote this program that was rolled out to all the senior directors and
every time they pressed an inappropriate key, it came up with a message saying
"Error: replace user"!
|
| Mike: | |
(chuckling) |
| |
Sounds to me like he'd become another Bill Gates. |
| Dan: | |
(preparing the cups) |
| |
Yeh, well, it didn't go down too well. Mind you, he didn't get the sack for that.
He got the sack for the usual reason - time travel! |
| Mike: | |
Time travel?! |
| Dan: | |
(pouring the milk) |
| |
Yeh, his work log said he finished every day at 5 o'clock, but he was home
by quarter past four! |
Bill has been painting the clubhouse
|
| Dan: | |
(ambling through the gate) |
| |
Sorry I'm late. |
| Bill: | |
Where have you been? I've done all the painting by myself! |
| Dan: | |
(closing the gate) |
| |
It's Mothers Day and I had to drop a card round. Then my car broke down. I managed to
hire a bike from a local store but I rode it so hard, the wheel buckled. I had to walk
the rest of the way. |
| Sidney: | |
(ambling through the gate) |
| |
Hi. Sorry I'm late. |
| Bill: | |
And what happened to you? I've done it all now! |
| Sidney: | |
(closing the gate) |
| |
Well, I had to go to my mother's. The car broke down on the way back. I hired a bike
and the wheel buckled. It took me all this time to walk here. |
| Jez: | |
(ambling through the gate) |
| |
Hi. Sorry I'm late. |
| Bill: | |
(cottoning on) |
| |
Yes. Don't tell me - you had to go to your mother's. Your car broke down . . . |
| Jez: | |
(interrupting) |
| |
No, my car's fine, but there were so many broken bikes in the road, it took me ages
to negotiate my way around them! |
Members watching the rain from the clubhouse window
|
| Jez: | |
I think it's time for Noah to build his ark! |
| Gill: | |
Don't be blasphemous, Jeremy! |
| Jez: | |
What? Do you believe all that stuff? |
| Gill: | |
Of course I do. |
| Jez: | |
(looking incredulous) |
| |
What? This old bloke who's about 600 years old piling all the animals in the world
into a boat? And they all survive for nearly a year? How'd he do that then? |
| Gill: | |
I don't know. I'll ask him when I get to heaven. |
| Jez: | |
(sarcastic) |
| |
Oh yeh! What if he isn't there?
|
| Gill: | |
Well, if he's in the other place, you can ask him! |
The juniors have been enjoying chocolate santas at the end of their coaching session
|
| Tim: | |
Have a good Christmas! Hope you all enjoyed the chocolate! |
| Bill: | |
Hope you all get what you want from Santa! |
| Nathan: | |
(scoffing) |
| |
You don't believe in Santa Claus, do you? |
| Bill: | |
(taken aback) |
| |
Well, when I was younger I did. When I got older, I suppose I didn't any more. |
| Nathan: | |
(on his way out of the gate) |
| |
And now you're really old and you are Santa Claus! |
| Tim: | |
What was wrong with Nathan? |
| Jez: | |
(wiping his mouth with his bandana) |
| |
Oh, he was just unpleasant because Bill and I wouldn't give him our chocolate santas.
Bit of a spoilt brat, isn't he? |
| Tim: | |
What about his chocolate santa? |
| Jez: | |
Yeh, he didn't like me eating that either! |
At tea during an American Tournament
|
| Gill: | |
So, Jeremy, tell me about this diet you're on. |
| Jez: | |
(handing round the plates) |
| |
Have some more cake, Gill. Sandwich, Neil? |
| Gill: | |
Well, what about your diet? Is it working? |
| Jez: | |
It's not exactly a diet. Have another biscuit! |
| Gill: | |
You've given me six biscuits! How are you going to lose weight then? |
Jez: | |
(feverishly re-stocking everyone's plates) |
| |
Well, if I fatten up everyone else around me, then I'll look thinner! |
The juniors are enjoying a trip to the zoo organised by the committee
|
| Nathan: | |
(staring at a camel) |
| |
Why's it a got a big hump on its back? |
| Tracey: | |
(handing the boy an information sheet) |
| |
It's to store large quantities of food and water so it can survive for long periods in the
desert. |
| Nathan: | |
Why's it got such big feet? |
| Tracey: | |
That's to prevent it sinking in the sand. |
| Nathan: | |
Why's it got such big eyelashes? |
| Tracey: | |
That's to shield it from desert storms. |
| Nathan: | |
Well, what the hell's it doing in a zoo? |
It's time for tea after a mens league match
|
| Stuart: | |
Oh no! There's no milk. What are we going to do? |
| Neil: | |
Somebody will have to go down the shop and get some. |
| Stuart: | |
Must be your turn, Jez! |
| Jez: | |
(looking suspiciously around the table) |
| |
What? Well, how do I know you won't eat all the chocolate muesli bars while I'm gone? |
| Neil: | |
Go on. We promise we won't eat them all. |
| |
* * * 20 minutes later * * * |
| Neil: | |
Where on earth is he? The shop's only down the road! |
| Dan: | |
Anyone want the last chocolate muesli bar? |
| Neil: | |
Better not. We said we'd save it for him. |
| | |
| |
* * * 20 minutes later * * * |
| | |
| Neil: | |
(looking exasperated, and extremely thirsty) |
| |
This is ridiculous. We finished tea half an hour ago and nobody's had a drink |
| Dan: | |
(about to take a bite out of the last chocolate muesli bar) |
| |
He isn't going to show up now. I might as well eat this. |
| Jez: | |
(jumping out from behind a cabinet) |
| |
Right! Just for that, I'm not going! |
The mens team meet in the car park early one Sunday morning for an away match
|
| Jez: | |
(mobile phone in hand) |
| |
I can't get hold of Tim. He promised to be here with a new grip for my racket. |
| Mike: | |
I've got a spare grip you can have. |
| Jez: | |
I use special calf-hide leather. |
| Mike: | |
Oh right. Well, Tim's probably still asleep. |
| Jez: | |
I've phoned five times! He must be a heavy sleeper. |
| Mike: | |
Seventeen stone, at least! |
| Jez: | |
(mocking) |
| |
That's a good joke. You must be proud of it. |
| Mike: | |
I am. It belonged to my father. |
| Jez: | |
Ok. I'll let you off if it's hereditary! |
| Mike: | |
Didn't your father hand down any jokes to you? |
| Jez: | |
No, they fell through the generation gap. |
| Neil: | |
(interrupting) |
| |
Shut up, you two. I can't cope with all that. It's too early in the morning. Ah! Here's Tim!
Hi, Tim. Where's his calf-hide? |
| Tim: | |
He hides behind that tree! Ha ha ha ha! |
| Neil: | |
That's it! I'm going back to bed! |
Jez is playing a postal tournament singles match
|
| Opponent: | |
My ad! |
| Jez: | |
What! |
| Opponent: | |
My advantage. That ball was out. |
| Jez: | |
I didn't hear you call. |
| Opponent: | |
I didn't call. It was miles out. I didn't think it was worth calling. |
| Jez: | |
(sarcastically) |
| |
That's all right. I didn't think it was worth hearing. Put it in writing! No, don't do that,
I'm short-sighted. Use hand-signals! No, don't do that. There's an airfield over there. You'll
confuse the pilots. Call me on my mobile! No, don't do that. It plays a really irritating
tune . . . |
| Opponent: | |
All right. All right. I'll call next time! |
| Jez: | |
(not letting up) |
| |
I might not think it's worth listening. I'll give you my card. You can send me an
email . . . |
| Opponent: | |
You're mad! |
| Jez: | |
My ad? That's better! Agreed. My ad. |
| Opponent: | |
(muttering) |
| |
Better let it go! This guy might be dangerous! |
